New Year's Revolutions
By Calendar Hacksaw
Well, Walker Basinites and Basinettes, it's a New Year for ol' Calendar,
and high time to get a few things off my mind so I can sleep better.
Hasn't been much of a winter so far, but February and March can really be
a mean pair of aces. So hang on to your hat and keep your boots where you
know where they are. And while we wait for the floods to begin, here's a
few thoughts to keep your mind off your "negative cash flow" and
your daughter's stupid husband.
- I'm gonna buy me a set of those dumb shoes that the "serious"
bicycle riders wear, so that everyone will stop talking, stare, and make
me feel "real special" too, when I come clomping my way into
the General Store on a Saturday morning.
- Here's another nice thing about Twin Oaks: if you're having supper
in a restaurant, and some federal marshals come and scoop you up on a "no
bail" arrest warrant, your meal is pretty much "on the house."
Your wife still has to pay for hers, though; after all, she didn't do
- Most frequently heard criticism of Bakersfield Californian columnist
Herb Benham: "Well, he sure ain't no Wayne Moody."
- I wonder what would happen if everyone in Walker Basin changed their
voter registration to "Libertarian." We'd probably see a lot
more federal marshals and "no bail" warrants. But it could be
- As a general rule of thumb, you should never leave your hemorrhoid
ointment in the outhouse on a cold night.
- I was watchin' a good lookin' woman talking to a friend of mine down
at Sand Canyon one night, and the cowboy on the stool next to me asked
if I knew who the pretty lady was. I admitted I didn't know. "Why,
she's the town slut!" he declared. That reminded me of the chorus
to a song recorded by "Luke the Drifter," also known as Hank
Williams: "A tongue can accuse and carry bad news. Seeds of
distrust it will sow. But unless you have made no mistakes in your life,
then be careful of the stones that you throw." Pretty good words of
advice, huh? How about that for a sermon next Sunday?
- Prediction: a professional map maker - a cartographer - will come to
Walker Basin in 1997. He will be fresh from the School of Mines in
Golden, Colorado. He will marry locally, perhaps to my granddaughter,
Persephone, or another who has never served as Queen of Team Penning.
They will settle and bear fruit, perhaps pears, but also children. Now I
have to find this fellow and lure him here. Persephone's waiting.
- This year, I hope to be invited to become a member of E. Clampus
Vitus, and help the widows and children of dead miners (especially the
widows). But there are a few obstacles to be overcome. Since I'm
anonymous, it's difficult to get invited. But Vitus has a "cyberspace"
chapter, and an "offshore" one, too. So it only seems
reasonable that they would create an "anonymous" one to house
me. Camp-outs might be a tad lonely, though.
- I have resolved to replace the carpeting in my humble abode soon. My
favorite part of this process is when the carpet has been pulled up, but
the old padding is still in place. That's when I get to see all the
times my dog peed on the rug and didn't tell me. The dog doesn't seem to
enjoy this stage of the process; he gets a real sheepish look on his
- If you're an Okie, or have Okie roots, I recommend you read "American
Exodus," by James N. Gregory, Associate Professor of History, U.C.
Berkeley (Oxford University Press, 1989). It will tell you who you are,
where you came from, and a whole lot of other things your parents might
not have been able to put into words. It'll make you sad, it'll make you
angry, but above all it will make you proud, which is just what you
darned well should be.
- Having taken note of the success of some of last November's more
ridiculous ballot measures, Betty has asked me to draft an initiative
that would benefit her. Specifically, she would like to see the
California Vehicle Code amended to exempt from the mandatory seat belt
law anyone who is just out hittin' a few garage sales. Sounds okay to
- Never commit a crime on a Friday, or you're likely to waste the
entire weekend in jail. Wait 'til Sunday or Monday if you can.
- Well, the Committee for the 1997 Bakersfield Christmas Parade has
rejected me as a potential entry, saying I "didn't fit the theme,"
which will be "Rural Kern County Columnists." Guess I'll have
to ride on Wayne Moody's float again.
Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are
and he'd love to hear from you.