New Year's Revolutions

By Calendar Hacksaw

Well, Walker Basinites and Basinettes, it's a New Year for ol' Calendar, and high time to get a few things off my mind so I can sleep better. Hasn't been much of a winter so far, but February and March can really be a mean pair of aces. So hang on to your hat and keep your boots where you know where they are. And while we wait for the floods to begin, here's a few thoughts to keep your mind off your "negative cash flow" and your daughter's stupid husband.

1. I'm gonna buy me a set of those dumb shoes that the "serious" bicycle riders wear, so that everyone will stop talking, stare, and make me feel "real special" too, when I come clomping my way into the General Store on a Saturday morning.
2. Here's another nice thing about Twin Oaks: if you're having supper in a restaurant, and some federal marshals come and scoop you up on a "no bail" arrest warrant, your meal is pretty much "on the house." Your wife still has to pay for hers, though; after all, she didn't do anything wrong.
3. Most frequently heard criticism of Bakersfield Californian columnist Herb Benham: "Well, he sure ain't no Wayne Moody."
4. I wonder what would happen if everyone in Walker Basin changed their voter registration to "Libertarian." We'd probably see a lot more federal marshals and "no bail" warrants. But it could be fun.
5. As a general rule of thumb, you should never leave your hemorrhoid ointment in the outhouse on a cold night.
6. I was watchin' a good lookin' woman talking to a friend of mine down at Sand Canyon one night, and the cowboy on the stool next to me asked if I knew who the pretty lady was. I admitted I didn't know. "Why, she's the town slut!" he declared. That reminded me of the chorus to a song recorded by "Luke the Drifter," also known as Hank Williams: "A tongue can accuse and carry bad news. Seeds of distrust it will sow. But unless you have made no mistakes in your life, then be careful of the stones that you throw." Pretty good words of advice, huh? How about that for a sermon next Sunday?
7. Prediction: a professional map maker - a cartographer - will come to Walker Basin in 1997. He will be fresh from the School of Mines in Golden, Colorado. He will marry locally, perhaps to my granddaughter, Persephone, or another who has never served as Queen of Team Penning. They will settle and bear fruit, perhaps pears, but also children. Now I have to find this fellow and lure him here. Persephone's waiting.
8. This year, I hope to be invited to become a member of E. Clampus Vitus, and help the widows and children of dead miners (especially the widows). But there are a few obstacles to be overcome. Since I'm anonymous, it's difficult to get invited. But Vitus has a "cyberspace" chapter, and an "offshore" one, too. So it only seems reasonable that they would create an "anonymous" one to house me. Camp-outs might be a tad lonely, though.
9. I have resolved to replace the carpeting in my humble abode soon. My favorite part of this process is when the carpet has been pulled up, but the old padding is still in place. That's when I get to see all the times my dog peed on the rug and didn't tell me. The dog doesn't seem to enjoy this stage of the process; he gets a real sheepish look on his face.
10. If you're an Okie, or have Okie roots, I recommend you read "American Exodus," by James N. Gregory, Associate Professor of History, U.C. Berkeley (Oxford University Press, 1989). It will tell you who you are, where you came from, and a whole lot of other things your parents might not have been able to put into words. It'll make you sad, it'll make you angry, but above all it will make you proud, which is just what you darned well should be.
11. Having taken note of the success of some of last November's more ridiculous ballot measures, Betty has asked me to draft an initiative that would benefit her. Specifically, she would like to see the California Vehicle Code amended to exempt from the mandatory seat belt law anyone who is just out hittin' a few garage sales. Sounds okay to me.
12. Never commit a crime on a Friday, or you're likely to waste the entire weekend in jail. Wait 'til Sunday or Monday if you can.
13. Well, the Committee for the 1997 Bakersfield Christmas Parade has rejected me as a potential entry, saying I "didn't fit the theme," which will be "Rural Kern County Columnists." Guess I'll have to ride on Wayne Moody's float again.

Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are calendar@usa.net and twistedsisters@hotmail.com and he'd love to hear from you.