Rootin', Tootin' and Resolutin'!

by Calendar Hacksaw


A Resolution of the Board of Supervisors of the County of Kern

Proclaiming March to be



WHEREAS, it is in the best interests of Kern County to preserve wildlife, and in particular those species listed as threatened, endangered, or just "very tasty," and

WHEREAS, the Kern Primrose Sphinx Moth was thought to be extinct prior to 1990, when a single, surviving colony was conveniently "found" in Walker Basin, and

WHEREAS, the Sphinx Moth might actually be extinct by now, and if that be the case, "Party on!" and

WHEREAS, the Sphinx Moth hatch takes flight during the second or third week of March each year, and then pretty much, well, dies, and

WHEREAS, Walker Basin folks are generally a pretty friendly bunch, and

WHEREAS, the good people of Walker Basin are taxpayers and voters, and

WHEREAS, the calendar for the month of March is quickly filling with other important observances, including St. Patrick's Day on the 17th, the First Day of Spring on the 20th, the Full Moon on the 28th, "Basque Lesbian Coming Out Day" on the 31st, and

WHEREAS, the folks in open range country are hankerin' for a good excuse to party and dance, and

WHEREAS, Supervisor Steve Perez, 2nd District, is currently in the battle of his life to become the Sheriff of this joint and would likely spring for a keg or two of Bud Light if it would pull in some votes, as well as a bottle of Chardonnay for any outgoing Basque lesbians, and

WHEREAS, the Board has the power to "waive all fees" if we can just figure out what that means, and

WHEREAS, Weldon has the damned gall to sponsor a turkey buzzard festival, and

WHEREAS, freelance writer Travis Williams and humor columnist Calendar Hacksaw did a yeoman's job in the December, 2001 edition of the Fence Post Country Reader fully explainin' why the Primrose Moth is sort of important but not very interesting at all, and

WHEREAS, Calendar has taken kind of a liking to Travis, but in a strictly non-sexual kind of way, and

WHEREAS, the Fence Post Country Reader deserves a journalism award for scooping the Bakersfield Californian on the moth issue, making the Californian look pretty bad, and

WHEREAS, Calendar Hacksaw is willing to cough up the money to have the Board's Proclamation professionally matted and framed (cost not to exceed $25), so that it might be displayed with justifiable pride, and

WHEREAS, maybe Al St. John still has his old matte cutting equipment and might cut Calendar a deal, and

WHEREAS, Calendar Hacksaw ain't made of money, y'know, but he has picked up a small bar tab on occasion, and

WHEREAS, Ed Oakley Hall is a pretty good place to have a party, but the dump is pretty good, too, especially during the summer months, and

WHEREAS, the Board hasn't really done much for Walker Basin lately, but has long enjoyed a reputation for satisfying special interest groups, and

WHEREAS, the Twin Oaks General Store and Cow Belle Café are scheduled to re-open this month under the proprietorship of Her Royal Highness Connie St. John, 23, and

WHEREAS, the Sand Canyon Store Bar and Grill is a pretty fine place to hang out, too, as is the Piute Trading Post, and

WHEREAS, the region's last attempt at a semi-official moth observance was cancelled at the last minute due to an unfortunate typographical error when 1,000 colorful posters arrived promoting the "Walker Basin Meth Fest," and

WHEREAS, the Board has everything to gain by passing this Resolution versus nothing to lose, and

WHEREAS, we're all getting tired of wearing our "Steve Perez for Sheriff" T-shirts to church every week, and

WHEREAS, in the course of human events, it often becomes necessary to resort to lowly forms of satire and parody to get across to the Board the simplest of points, especially during an election year,

THEREFORE, by the tremendous power entrusted to this body and the faith of its citizens, we, the Most Honourable members of the Board of Supervisors of the County of Kern, divine gods and goddesses of all that is right and good in these parts, do hereby loudly proclaim March to be 'KERN PRIMROSE SPHINX MOTH MONTH,' and demand that all loyal servants observe this event with the requisite respect and solemnity it might deserve. Amen.

Calendar Hacksaw can be reached and touched at, and he promises this is the last you'll hear about that danged moth. At least from him, for now, like maybe, y'know?

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