A Homecoming, of Sorts

by Calendar Hacksaw

April is once again upon us, and if you’re anything like the Hacksaws you’ll be B-B-Qing this Sunday night to celebrate the return of Daylight Savings Time; long, warm evenings followed by pitch black morning commutes. Ahh, the good life!

The month of April also heralds the return of weekenders to the Piutes, and an influx of big money that hasn’t been seen since the end of last season. I’m busy planning my own incursion in a few weeks; it’s been a long 150 days since I last plopped my butt down in Twin Oaks, and I’m looking forward to it, to say the least. I’ll have $5 in my pocket, looking for a good time.

From what little contact I’ve had with Basinites over the winter months, I sense a fair degree of depression. TOGS closed down, the website briefly went under, and people just don’t seem to have much to live for anymore. I hope to change that.

So, herewith is an outline for this year’s celebration of what I’m affectionately calling "Calendar Hacksaw Days;" 72 hours of festivities scheduled to get you back on track and moving again.

Let’s take it point-by-point, and one of you self-appointed "community leaders" can make all the official work assignments.

A rather large sign proclaiming "Welcome Back, Calendar Hacksaw!" would look very nice, somewhere on the main road near the Indian Creek turn-off at Loraine.

Yes, dancing ladies. Many dancing ladies. I will look for them.

Free gas coupons, redeemable in Arvin. It’s costing us weekenders twice as much to get up there this year, and if we can’t find some relief on petrol, we won’t have any money to throw around town.

Hiring aircraft to drop grass seed on all the hillsides from Caliente north was a good idea in past years, and I sincerely hope you’ll keep up this practice. It looks simply marvelous. Spreading wildflower seed along Bear Mountain Road overlooking Arvin and Lamont was an added bonus, too. Whose idea was that, anyway?

Yes, turn on the faucets above the waterfalls in the canyon. Weekenders really love it when you do that.

If it’s not too much to ask, please call the railroad and ask them to suspend all Caliente freight train crossings on Fridays during April. You wouldn’t want your special guests to show up late, would you?

Double the hat fines for the weekend.

We need Grand Marshals. My first thought would be PFCs Adam Zanutto, Jeremy Chaulsett, Casey Schaubschlager and Lance Corporal Casey McCullar. This old sailor doffs his cover to them. Their photos were buried on page 17 of last month’s Fence Post, and the Editors and Publishers will have to answer for that bad judgement some day. The jarhead named Zanutto looked a lot like a Zanutto, and I suspect his parents were just trying to be modest. Bad decision.

In place of the local Marines, who are currently occupied, might I suggest Kern County’s own Gena Brown? Gena is a Supervising Fire Dispatcher for the Kern County/Bakersfield City Fire Emergency Communications Center. That’s where your 9-1-1 call ends up when you’re having a heart attack because your barn’s on fire. On April 17^th, Gena will be honored by the California Public-Safety Radio Association as Southern California’s 9-1-1 Supervisor of the Year. It is a very prestigious award, and one I’m certain she’ll wear with pride. Feel free to call Gena at (661) 861-2521 and congratulate her on this achievement. Let her know you’re calling from Walker Basin or Twin Oaks because it sure can’t hurt having Gena know how much we appreciate everything she does. This is just another example of how you get the news first in the Fence Post; far ahead of the Bakersfield Californian. Eat your heart out, Robert Price.

Let’s re-open TOGS for just one Saturday morning. It would do the community good.

Humvee tours to the farthest reaches of the Cattani Ranch would be a nice touch. $25 per person seems fair, but since I’m the guest of honor, I get a free ride.

Free beer, and plenty of it, until 2:00 a.m. Twelve-packs to go after that. And, free horseback rides. I need a buckboard.

Raffle off an all-expenses-paid weekend for 4 at the Rankin Ranch.

A work party to architecturally redesign the exterior of the Amalia Mine so it doesn’t look like a place where Iraqis manufacture and store weapons of mass destruction. When the POWs arrive, we don’t want them saying, "Hey, that place looks damned familiar!"

Live music. Might I suggest Luther Girado?

Let’s invite the 08’ers from Oildale. Maybe Charlie can bring over some of that redneck white trash wine for a tasting party. Anyone got Velvetta and Saltines?

Put red, white and blue bows and ribbons on all the range cattle.

We will need toilets, and places to sleep. Please build some.

If you’ve got a better reason to celebrate, let’s hear it.

Calendar Hacksaw stops for the trains at calendarhacksaw@highdesert.com, and he hopes that if bad weather cancels the festival we’ll just hang on to this set of plans until Adam, Jeremy and them two Casey guys get back here to help us out. I think these fellas deserve a bushel of thanks, and a pretty damned big celebration.