More Doo About Nothing

by Calendar Hacksaw


Yes, folks, without benefit of a government license, adequate financing or common sense, non-commercial radio station K-OAKS FM is now broadcasting several hours each day from the heart and soul of Twin Oaks, where the kindly old proprietor of a politically incorrect roadside diner and den of iniquity has seen fit to install live microphones in front of all seven counter seats, thereby enabling listeners from not-too-far and not-too-wide to enjoy the electronic pitter-patter of rural affairs and smalltalk from the comfort of their own La-Z-Boys and John Deeres.

We tune in now to last Friday's broadcast, in progress, with all seven stools occupied and a few low-lifes and passers-by just standing around waiting for a hand-out, government or otherwise. Unfortunately, it's kind of hard to identify the players, since their voices all sorta run together. But, hey; it's that way in real life, and isn't it just part of the fun?

START TIME: 0642 PST 02 APR 1999

"Just a half a cup; that's fine." "Anyone seen a lost cow?" "Who left that overturned and burned Jeep up by the Ranches?" "Mine; I'll get it later." "Are those tomatoes fresh?" "Depends on what you mean by 'fresh'." "Readin' here that Seattle Police are giving some employees training on how to sit down without falling out of their chairs." "We could use 'em around here." "Nice hat." "Gimme a Bud Light, and a Bud Whole for my pardner here."

"New Fence Post out yet?" "Nah." "Whoa! Look what just walked in!" "FEMA says the work'll start as soon as the County submits the R-283 form package and the State signs off on the management pay incentives for disabled and indigenous Anglos." "Damn, the busted spring in this stool is killin' my butt." "Mine, too." "Got an ashtray?" "Nope, not in here." "Where was you yesterday? Oh, that's right; today's Friday." "Do you carry any bottled water from the Chardonnay region of France?" "I think it's <>." "Whose dog is that in the cab of your truck?" "Hell if I know; mean lookin' thing, though, ain't he?"

"You got a copier in here?" "What's with that 'Twisted Sister' sign?" "Says here that they wanna give credit card readers to the panhandlers." "Karen's still open?" "Hello. Testing. Hello. Can anyone hear me?" "Just half a cup; that's fine." "How's Team Penning shaping up?" "Got any block ice?" "You could really make a fortune with this place if you knew what you was doin'." "Do you have a public Internet terminal in here?" "I got a good deal on Wranglers, if anyone's interested." "G'mornin', Sonny." "Yeah, it's mine; I'll get it outa there later."

"Readin' here that the State shelled out $62 million on 91 employees for a program to help the poor pass their smog tests and so far they've only had 25 takers." "Wonder if they have any job openings." "Lou been in yet?" "Hacksaw's neighbor and his wife had a girl; named her 'Dienna'." "Saw that new TV show "It's Like, You Know..." Really dumb; people just sittin' around talkin' about nothin'." "Give me $40 of unleaded on Pump #1." "Heck, we're makin' a fortune with these eBay auctions; you oughta try it." "Is this microphone working?" "She got inside the shed, somehow, and ate all my snot rags outa the trash can; been actin' kinda puny ever since."

"I'll be right back; save my seat." "How much room I got on my tab?" "He had his eyes overhauled after the dog knocked him over, but I reckon he'll be alright." "What do I owe you for the coffee?" "Excuse me, can you give us directions to Twin Oaks?" "You look like you stayed up too late helpin' that widow lady with her taxes again." "I don't like the idea of him sneakin' in here takin' notes about what we say. We ain't got no privacy anymore." "So then he says, "Where can I get a dog like that?" And the guy says, "See those 300 fellas walking behind the hearses? Get in line."

"Yeah, I had her autograph it, but the inscription about me bein' elected president some day was her own idea." "Bigfoot? There ain't been no recent Bigfoot sightings around here." "Last night, she mixed white beans with canned peaches and A-1 Sauce. It was alright." "Honey, did you lock the truck? This doesn't look like a very good neighborhood." "How's your marijuana crop looking?" "Yeah; she cleans up right nice, don't she?" "It's a '63 or a '64, but it's got lots of good miles left in it." "Would you ask the valet to bring my car around?" "Testing, one, two three. Testing. Testing." "If I keep going up this road, will I end up back here?" "I think he moved it over to aisle 29, by the other 'adult' stuff." "Ya know, pickle juice will clean up that grill right now; smells like heck, though." "Well, hell, yes; you can put a 150-watt bulb in that box, but don't expect to find any live chicks in the morning." "Isabella's still okay for the big cats, but I wouldn't waste my time on trout." "I guess she'd make a good Team Penning Queen, but I don't think she's up to castratin' anything just yet."

"You're tuned to K-OAKS, broadcasting live from Twin Oaks, California, like it or not. Tune in again tomorrow if you feel up to it, but don't expect it to get any better. It just doesn't get any better than this."

Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are <> and <> and he'd love to hear from you. As he begins his fourth year writing this column, he sorely needs and deserves a vacation. Any ideas?

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