More Doo About Nothing
by Calendar Hacksaw
"K-OAKS FM, "EXTREME 93", PIRATE RADIO FOR MOST
OF WALKER BASIN, IS NOW ON THE AIR!"
Yes, folks, without benefit of a government license, adequate
financing or common sense, non-commercial radio station K-OAKS
FM is now broadcasting several hours each day from the heart and
soul of Twin Oaks, where the kindly old proprietor of a politically
incorrect roadside diner and den of iniquity has seen fit to install
live microphones in front of all seven counter seats, thereby
enabling listeners from not-too-far and not-too-wide to enjoy
the electronic pitter-patter of rural affairs and smalltalk from
the comfort of their own La-Z-Boys and John Deeres.
We tune in now to last Friday's broadcast, in progress, with all
seven stools occupied and a few low-lifes and passers-by just
standing around waiting for a hand-out, government or otherwise.
Unfortunately, it's kind of hard to identify the players, since
their voices all sorta run together. But, hey; it's that way
in real life, and isn't it just part of the fun?
START TIME: 0642 PST 02 APR 1999
"Just a half a cup; that's fine." "Anyone seen
a lost cow?" "Who left that overturned and burned Jeep
up by the Ranches?" "Mine; I'll get it later."
"Are those tomatoes fresh?" "Depends on what
you mean by 'fresh'." "Readin' here that Seattle Police
are giving some employees training on how to sit down without
falling out of their chairs." "We could use 'em around
here." "Nice hat." "Gimme a Bud Light, and
a Bud Whole for my pardner here."
"New Fence Post out yet?" "Nah." "Whoa!
Look what just walked in!" "FEMA says the work'll
start as soon as the County submits the R-283 form package and
the State signs off on the management pay incentives for disabled
and indigenous Anglos." "Damn, the busted spring in
this stool is killin' my butt." "Mine, too."
"Got an ashtray?" "Nope, not in here." "Where
was you yesterday? Oh, that's right; today's Friday." "Do
you carry any bottled water from the Chardonnay region of France?"
"I think it's <http://www.calendarhacksaw.com>."
"Whose dog is that in the cab of your truck?" "Hell
if I know; mean lookin' thing, though, ain't he?"
"You got a copier in here?" "What's with that
'Twisted Sister' sign?" "Says here that they wanna
give credit card readers to the panhandlers." "Karen's
still open?" "Hello. Testing. Hello. Can anyone
hear me?" "Just half a cup; that's fine." "How's
Team Penning shaping up?" "Got any block ice?"
"You could really make a fortune with this place if you
knew what you was doin'." "Do you have a public Internet
terminal in here?" "I got a good deal on Wranglers,
if anyone's interested." "G'mornin', Sonny."
"Yeah, it's mine; I'll get it outa there later."
"Readin' here that the State shelled out $62 million on 91
employees for a program to help the poor pass their smog tests
and so far they've only had 25 takers." "Wonder if
they have any job openings." "Lou been in yet?"
"Hacksaw's neighbor and his wife had a girl; named her 'Dienna'."
"Saw that new TV show "It's Like, You Know..."
Really dumb; people just sittin' around talkin' about nothin'."
"Give me $40 of unleaded on Pump #1." "Heck,
we're makin' a fortune with these eBay auctions; you oughta try
it." "Is this microphone working?" "She
got inside the shed, somehow, and ate all my snot rags outa the
trash can; been actin' kinda puny ever since."
"I'll be right back; save my seat." "How much
room I got on my tab?" "He had his eyes overhauled
after the dog knocked him over, but I reckon he'll be alright."
"What do I owe you for the coffee?" "Excuse me,
can you give us directions to Twin Oaks?" "You look
like you stayed up too late helpin' that widow lady with her taxes
again." "I don't like the idea of him sneakin' in here
takin' notes about what we say. We ain't got no privacy anymore."
"So then he says, "Where can I get a dog like that?"
And the guy says, "See those 300 fellas walking behind the
hearses? Get in line."
"Yeah, I had her autograph it, but the inscription about
me bein' elected president some day was her own idea." "Bigfoot?
There ain't been no recent Bigfoot sightings around here."
"Last night, she mixed white beans with canned peaches and
A-1 Sauce. It was alright." "Honey, did you lock the
truck? This doesn't look like a very good neighborhood."
"How's your marijuana crop looking?" "Yeah; she
cleans up right nice, don't she?" "It's a '63 or a
'64, but it's got lots of good miles left in it." "Would
you ask the valet to bring my car around?" "Testing,
one, two three. Testing. Testing." "If I keep going
up this road, will I end up back here?" "I think he
moved it over to aisle 29, by the other 'adult' stuff."
"Ya know, pickle juice will clean up that grill right now;
smells like heck, though." "Well, hell, yes; you can
put a 150-watt bulb in that box, but don't expect to find any
live chicks in the morning." "Isabella's still okay
for the big cats, but I wouldn't waste my time on trout."
"I guess she'd make a good Team Penning Queen, but I don't
think she's up to castratin' anything just yet."
"You're tuned to K-OAKS, broadcasting live from Twin Oaks,
California, like it or not. Tune in again tomorrow if you feel
up to it, but don't expect it to get any better. It just doesn't
get any better than this."
Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are <firstname.lastname@example.org> and <email@example.com> and he'd love to hear from you. As he begins his fourth year writing this column, he sorely needs and deserves a vacation. Any ideas?