A Modest Proposal
by Calendar Hacksaw
It's a small community, with only a few paved roads and darned little
traffic. As I stumble around, I'm greeted by just about everyone I encounter,
even though I'm unknown here. The rolling hills are beautiful in the morning
light; the lodgings sparse and few. It's amazing to find such peace in a
setting so close to Los Angeles. There is a general store, a cafe, and a quaint
little "newspaper." I spot a resident deputy from the Sheriff's
Department, who attends to what few "breaches of the peace" occur in
these parts. There are cats, dogs, chickens, cattle, and a schoolhouse. The
first choice of motor vehicles would appear to be old pick-up trucks. This is "open
range," and it is not uncommon to see some pretty big beasts lumbering
through town or along the roads.
It takes the better part of an hour to get from here to somewhere else that
calls itself by any other name other than what the people here call this here
place. (Note to the reader: You might want to read that last sentence again,
just to make sure you got it right; ol' Calendar's pretty proud of it)
The surrounding terrain bears witness to the extensive mining in these parts
that began in the middle of the 19th century. There are some families who seem
to have been in the region forever. The area was popular with Native Americans
as well, and the U.S. Army led expeditions here.
Many people who live in the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area escape to
this spot on weekends and holidays, where they enjoy leading lives 180-degrees
different than they do in the city. The best time to visit is mid-week from
Fall through Spring, as that is when only the locals are around; no weekenders,
part-timers, or bicyclists to put up with.
Welcome, neighbors to Two Harbors, at the isthmus of Catalina Island. And
ol' Calendar's here to propose that we romance the community of Two Harbors a
little bit to see if they'd be interested in becoming our "Sister City,"
since we have so much in common. They've got "two harbors," and
apparently we've got "two oaks," although I haven't found them yet.
The similarities between Two Harbors and Twin Oaks are striking. I set sail
for the island on warm winter weekends to read, write, hike, sleep, and enjoy
one of the greatest vacation bargains imaginable. Try this: two days and one
night, including lodging, food, and round-trip transportation, all for about
$100. That's right, $100.
Each day, huge boats capable of carrying upwards of 500 people leave from
San Pedro, Long Beach, and Newport Beach and ferry their human cargo for
Catalina's "capitol city," Avalon, located at the opposite end of the
island from Two Harbors. Some of these transports will occasionally make a
brief stop at the isthmus to drop off or pick up a few people before returning
to the mainland. A safari bus also runs between the two cities, driving for
about two hours across a treacherous, mountainous, mostly-one-lane dirt road,
making just one stop at the Airport In The Sky. But we don't give a horseshoe
about Avalon; we're here to talk about Two Harbors.
Now let's examine the Calendar Hacksaw Bargain Basement approach to the Two
Harbors experience.
Most people don't know that a few times each week a small boat departs San
Pedro and motors directly to the Isthmus. This watercraft pales by comparison
with the big ships that carry the multitudes to Avalon, but it's fast,
comfortable, and it gets you where you want to go in a hurry.
On arrival, you'll check in for assignment to the "Catalina Cabin"
you've reserved by telephone (you did phone ahead, didn't you? The number is
(800) 785-8425). These are pre-fab modular units which open onto a common deck
area. The interior of each has only enough room for a single bed or bunk bed, a
chair, a small refrigerator, closet, and heater. Since all you're going to use
it for is to sleep, it's all the room you'll need. You did remember to bring
your sleeping bag and pillow, didn't you? Restrooms and showers are a short
distance away, as is a common outdoor cooking area. You did remember to bring
your own food and cooking utensils, didn't you? The snack bar is open for
breakfast and lunch, but you'll have to assemble your own dinner, as Doug's
Harbor Reef is closed during the late Fall and early Winter, re-opening each
year on Presidents' Day Weekend (the official start of the yacht season).
So, what would our obligations amount to if Two Harbors was willing to hitch
up with us, you're probably asking. Well, not too much. Several times each
year, a delegation of high-ranking officials from Twin Oaks would embark on a
journey to Two Harbors; people with names like "Lefty," "No
Brains," "Outhouse," "Lorraine," "Fritz," "Lost
Lariat," "Lost Touch," and "Wayne." Upon arrival, they
would function in sort of a Peace Corps capacity, teaching the islanders the
latest techniques in barbecuing, bull castration, egg candling, quilting, lying,
political vitriol, T-shirt sales, poverty, and tasteless humor.
In return, the natives of Two Harbors would, on occasion, dispatch their own
emissaries to Twin Oaks, where our locals would learn all about halibut fishing,
small boat theft ("borrowing"), water taxis, yuppie-thumping, T-shirt
sales, poverty, bison castration, running over bicyclists, and accidental
collisions with range whales.
In order to get this thing moving, I would suggest that someone package up
about five copies of this edition of the Fence Post and ship 'em overseas to Two
Harbors (P.O. Box 5044-I, Two Harbors, CA 90704-5044), so they can take the
matter under consideration.
And what the hell, if they turn us down, there's always Sageland.
Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are <calendar@usa.net> and <twistedsisters@hotmail.com> and
he'd love to hear from you.
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