Getting "Up" for the Game

by Calendar Hacksaw

Dear Editor:

I donít have any ideas for a column this month, so this will have to do. Itís all your fault anyway.

In the April edition of the Fence Post, you were begging for "Letters to the Editor." One month later, you were still lamenting the lack of same, in spite of your efforts to strike up some sort of controversy with your arch-conservative opinions, which in Walker Basin is pretty much like preachiní to the choir.

I did my part. I wrote columns full of historical references, names of people, places and activities, and even took a broad swipe at the Sheriff, which is never a good idea. But still, no spirited "Letters to the Editor." Itís almost as if you didnít exist.

What does this tell you about your readership? What does this tell you about the people of Twin Oaks and Walker Basin?

Are they illiterate? Are they so poor that they canít afford a 34-cent stamp? Are they so disenfranchised and otherwise removed from society that they have no opinions about anything? Or are they just laughing at our feeble attempts to keep them informed, entertained and amused once every 30 days?

Hell, I donít know. I donít have the slightest idea.

But I can tell you this, Mr. and Mrs. Editor: I need more advance notice if Iím to write any decent columns, which admittedly hasnít happened yet. Still no awards from the Greater Kern County Press Club, and no invitations to MC their annual gala.

As I write this, itís May 22nd. The May edition of your humble publication finally arrived here by mule today; bulk mail. And on page 35, below the "Community News," I learned that the deadline for the June edition is May 24th.

Do you follow this thread? You have given me all of two days in which to craft a clever column capable of capturing the hearts and souls of your readers! Two days! Frankly, I could use an extra day.

I donít know if Iím up to it; Iím pretty tired. I was in Twin Oaks just yesterday, poking through the trash and trying to take the pulse of the people. Many familiar faces ignored my presence, as is to be expected. Most just sat there, zombie-like, staring at their coffee cups wondering if they should take the initiative to refill them on their own, or wait for Al or Devin to do it.

In fact, most Twin Oaks folks are so cheap and lazy that they refuse to pick up a copy of the Fence Post from the newsstand, preferring instead to just read the counter copy at TOGS. These are the same type of people who would try to get cuts in the urinal line at a Willie Nelson concert.

I strongly suspect that The Church has something to do with the dearth of "Letters to the Editor." Perhaps members of the congregation have been warned not to submit any individual contributions, in that recent editions of the Fence Post have been so full of religious material that a newcomer might think the paper is an official church organ. The Church is having a rather difficult time right now. The economy is good, and crime rates are down. As a result, sermons are shifting away from the traditional warnings against killing people and stealing their stuff, focusing instead on cell phone etiquette, improving business ethics, practicing better manners, and not topping off your tanks when prices fall below $1.65.

One reason the crime problem seems to be in check is because Iíve been in town a lot, and the crooks seem to sense it. They know Iím an invisible, nocturnal wanderer, likely to show up anywhere at any time. Actually, itís rather uncanny how many crimes Iíve prevented recently. I sneak up on them while theyíre getting ready to pull some caper, they feel my presence, and suddenly change their mind. Some of them have actually straightened out their lives as a result.

Last week, I met a young fellow in Twin Oaks who said he was "waiting for work." I think thatís a good philosophy, and I might try it tomorrow morning. Iíll sit in my office, and when the boss comes in and asks what Iím doing, Iíll just say, "Iím waiting for work." I would suggest Al try that, too, rather than go through the hassle of opening the store on mere speculation.

Maybe I should just get to the point.

Team Penning weekend begins June 16th. Youíll recall that last July olí Calendar wrote a pretty complementary column about the folks of Walker Basin and how much their hospitality made the event so special for me. I hope that the same spirit will infect the locals again this year, as itís potentially the communityís premier showcase. It takes a lot of work from a lot of dedicated people. For fully 72-hours, the camera will be on Twin Oaks, and I know most of you want your visitors and guests to like what they see. The new dance pad looks super, and for my part Iíll gladly cut a rug with any cowgirl under 90 who has the courage to ask. Slow dances only, though. Iíll be watching from my usual perch in one of the latrines, and I hope to witness a true revival of spirit. Knock Ďem dead.

And, Zanuttos, if you really want some "Letters to the Editor," try endorsing a Princess candidate.

Calendar Hacksaw hangs out at, and he has two words of advice: Hey, Twin Oaks: say "Cheese."

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