Catch 8 More
by Calendar Hacksaw
Old Calendar's had a little case of "writer's irregularity"
lately. Not "writer's block," mind you; just "writer's
irregularity;" a temporary condition which should pass in
short order. I attribute this to the type of writing i do at work,
which all reads the same, to wit: "Whereas the Party of the
First Part agrees not to Sue the Pants off the Party of the Second
Part, blah, blah, blah.." I think you get the picture. And
what's strange is that I'm not even closely affiliated with the
legal profession, nor do I abuse horses. Life takes some strange
Last month's column, "Catch 22," garnered some favorable
comments and raised some hackles. And that was just among my relatives.
So I thought this month I would follow up in a similar vein, with
more observations and suggestions that might make your life a
little easier or entertaining. Most of you readers already know
all this stuff anyway.
1. The "official" citizens band radio channel in walker
Basin has always been Channel 34. I wish more people would remember
that and use it more often, particularly on weekends. It's the
only radio channel that can reach the Twisted Sisters Ranch, so
it's our primary source of entertainment. Channel 34 is dedicated
to the memory of the late "Rockin' Jock" and his cronies,
who used to hold court there every day at 8:00 a.m., and 8:00
p.m., to share their thoughts and catch up on Walker Basin gossip.
Four hours for each session was about all it took, and this practice
made good use of what otherwise would have been a very unproductive
eight hours. "Rockin' Jock" was snowed in at his place
on Piute Mountain once for 10 straight days; you try that some
2. Walker Basin is on the Internet now. Well, sort of. There's
a guy up in Kern Valley who has established a Website newspaper
called the "Canyon Connection," which professes to serve
a whole bunch of communities. Walker Basin is among them; Twin
Oaks isn't. The URL, for you Net surfers is: http://www.kernvalley.com/news/,
but I wouldn't waste my time. It's just hashed-over Chamber of
Commerce stuff aimed at business, tourism, and potential investors.
The "Canyon Connection" would do well to negotiate a
deal with The Fence Post and publish some real news. But, then
again, The Fence Post occasionally lets the words "gun"
and "firearm" appear in print, and we know what those
words can do to business, tourism, and potential investors. I
don't believe the "Canyon Connection" is interested
in carrying my syndicated column, but I hope their first competitor
3. I read in the paper last month that the Kern Valley Exchange
Club held another of their "Rubber Ducky Races" up in
Kernville. And that reminded me: the Connecticut State Legislature
this year found cause to pass legislation which now "regulates"
such events. It's a nine page ordinance which mandates that the
finish line on the river be fitted with a gate designed to prevent
any possibility of a "tie" among the contestants. Not
only that, the ducks will be subject to pre-race inspection by
(get this!): a State-licensed Rubber Duck Inspector! Oh, well.
Remember the last time we tried to have a Rubber Duck Race in
Caliente Creek? It was right after the flood, and the dams spoiled
the effort, which caused us to lose the money we desperately needed
to have Fritz' ridgeback neutered.
4. Number 4 already? Well, four's my lucky number, so here goes.
If the Dinner Bell doesn't make a go of it, as was the case with
some previous owners, it will be because they overestimated the
discretionary revenues of their clientele, or underestimated the
demand for wholesome foods. Hey; what happened to Liver &
Onions for $3.95? How about some okra while you 're at it? Cornbread
and honey? Swiss chard? Have some of us forgotten our roots? I
think Wayne Moody will echo me on this one (if we can pull him
away from his cats and rats). Let's feed the Okies, please! Amen.
5. My wife, Betty, has been out of town for the past week, so
I've been a "bachelor" for the first time in 30 years.
On the day she departed, I wandered into the kitchen to see what
changes might have taken place during the past three decades.
There on the kitchen counter was a brand new box of "Medicated
Disposable Douche." Well, it pleased me to know that it was
"disposable." But it didn't look right sitting there
on the kitchen counter, so I moved it to the workbench in the
garage. After a few days, I got tired of seeing it on the workbench,
so I relocated it to the picnic table on the patio. The box is
blue and white, with a yellow stripe, and it complements our lawn
chairs. Betty will be surprise to see how fast I picked up on
the basics of home decorating.
6. Never walk down Main Street in your best wedding guest suit
with a boutonniere in your lapel with a section of stovepipe under
your arm unless you want total strangers to ask you what else
you bought for the lucky couple. Heck, I wasn't about to pass
up a bargain!
7. Deer season here in Zone 9 opens Saturday, September 28th,
and will probably be the subject of my October column. If you
don't want to be mentioned in the column, stay out of Zone 9.
8. And, last but not least, when shopping in a drug store, it's
a good idea to look at the cumulative image of your intended purchases
before- taking them to the check-out counter. I learned this a
few years ago while on an extended camping vacation with Betty.
She too - -seriously ill with food poisoning from some salad dressing
at a restaurant, and had to spend the entire next day in a City
park doing the "nausea thing." In fact, the park just
re-opened to the public last week. Anyhow, our schedule called
for us to leave Klamath Falls that night, and it would be another
week or so before we would be in a "city" again. So
she convinced me to 1eave her alone for a few minutes and go to
the drug store for much needed supplies. I gladly complied. Once
there, I loaded up my shopping cart with Budweiser and a whole
slew of medications for nausea, such as Pepto-Bismo, Coke Syrup,
and the like. And, predicting her eventual recovery, I threw in
a big box of condoms for "the trail ahead." After T
dumped this array of goods on the counter, the druggist surveyed
it, looked up at me, adjusted his eyeglasses, and said, "Son,
looks like you've got quite a weekend planned."
I was speechless, and I still am to this day.
Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are <email@example.com>
and he'd love to hear from you.