Catch 8 More
by Calendar Hacksaw
Old Calendar's had a little case of "writer's irregularity" lately. Not "writer's block," mind you; just "writer's irregularity;" a temporary condition which should pass in short order. I attribute this to the type of writing i do at work, which all reads the same, to wit: "Whereas the Party of the First Part agrees not to Sue the Pants off the Party of the Second Part, blah, blah, blah.." I think you get the picture. And what's strange is that I'm not even closely affiliated with the legal profession, nor do I abuse horses. Life takes some strange twists.
Last month's column, "Catch 22," garnered some favorable comments and raised some hackles. And that was just among my relatives. So I thought this month I would follow up in a similar vein, with more observations and suggestions that might make your life a little easier or entertaining. Most of you readers already know all this stuff anyway.
1. The "official" citizens band radio channel in walker Basin has always been Channel 34. I wish more people would remember that and use it more often, particularly on weekends. It's the only radio channel that can reach the Twisted Sisters Ranch, so it's our primary source of entertainment. Channel 34 is dedicated to the memory of the late "Rockin' Jock" and his cronies, who used to hold court there every day at 8:00 a.m., and 8:00 p.m., to share their thoughts and catch up on Walker Basin gossip. Four hours for each session was about all it took, and this practice made good use of what otherwise would have been a very unproductive eight hours. "Rockin' Jock" was snowed in at his place on Piute Mountain once for 10 straight days; you try that some time.
2. Walker Basin is on the Internet now. Well, sort of. There's a guy up in Kern Valley who has established a Website newspaper called the "Canyon Connection," which professes to serve a whole bunch of communities. Walker Basin is among them; Twin Oaks isn't. The URL, for you Net surfers is: http://www.kernvalley.com/news/, but I wouldn't waste my time. It's just hashed-over Chamber of Commerce stuff aimed at business, tourism, and potential investors. The "Canyon Connection" would do well to negotiate a deal with The Fence Post and publish some real news. But, then again, The Fence Post occasionally lets the words "gun" and "firearm" appear in print, and we know what those words can do to business, tourism, and potential investors. I don't believe the "Canyon Connection" is interested in carrying my syndicated column, but I hope their first competitor will be.
3. I read in the paper last month that the Kern Valley Exchange Club held another of their "Rubber Ducky Races" up in Kernville. And that reminded me: the Connecticut State Legislature this year found cause to pass legislation which now "regulates" such events. It's a nine page ordinance which mandates that the finish line on the river be fitted with a gate designed to prevent any possibility of a "tie" among the contestants. Not only that, the ducks will be subject to pre-race inspection by (get this!): a State-licensed Rubber Duck Inspector! Oh, well. Remember the last time we tried to have a Rubber Duck Race in Caliente Creek? It was right after the flood, and the dams spoiled the effort, which caused us to lose the money we desperately needed to have Fritz' ridgeback neutered.
4. Number 4 already? Well, four's my lucky number, so here goes. If the Dinner Bell doesn't make a go of it, as was the case with some previous owners, it will be because they overestimated the discretionary revenues of their clientele, or underestimated the demand for wholesome foods. Hey; what happened to Liver & Onions for $3.95? How about some okra while you 're at it? Cornbread and honey? Swiss chard? Have some of us forgotten our roots? I think Wayne Moody will echo me on this one (if we can pull him away from his cats and rats). Let's feed the Okies, please! Amen.
5. My wife, Betty, has been out of town for the past week, so I've been a "bachelor" for the first time in 30 years. On the day she departed, I wandered into the kitchen to see what changes might have taken place during the past three decades. There on the kitchen counter was a brand new box of "Medicated Disposable Douche." Well, it pleased me to know that it was "disposable." But it didn't look right sitting there on the kitchen counter, so I moved it to the workbench in the garage. After a few days, I got tired of seeing it on the workbench, so I relocated it to the picnic table on the patio. The box is blue and white, with a yellow stripe, and it complements our lawn chairs. Betty will be surprise to see how fast I picked up on the basics of home decorating.
6. Never walk down Main Street in your best wedding guest suit with a boutonniere in your lapel with a section of stovepipe under your arm unless you want total strangers to ask you what else you bought for the lucky couple. Heck, I wasn't about to pass up a bargain!
7. Deer season here in Zone 9 opens Saturday, September 28th, and will probably be the subject of my October column. If you don't want to be mentioned in the column, stay out of Zone 9.
8. And, last but not least, when shopping in a drug store, it's a good idea to look at the cumulative image of your intended purchases before- taking them to the check-out counter. I learned this a few years ago while on an extended camping vacation with Betty. She too - -seriously ill with food poisoning from some salad dressing at a restaurant, and had to spend the entire next day in a City park doing the "nausea thing." In fact, the park just re-opened to the public last week. Anyhow, our schedule called for us to leave Klamath Falls that night, and it would be another week or so before we would be in a "city" again. So she convinced me to 1eave her alone for a few minutes and go to the drug store for much needed supplies. I gladly complied. Once there, I loaded up my shopping cart with Budweiser and a whole slew of medications for nausea, such as Pepto-Bismo, Coke Syrup, and the like. And, predicting her eventual recovery, I threw in a big box of condoms for "the trail ahead." After T dumped this array of goods on the counter, the druggist surveyed it, looked up at me, adjusted his eyeglasses, and said, "Son, looks like you've got quite a weekend planned."
I was speechless, and I still am to this day.
Calendar Hacksaw's e-mail addresses are <calendar@usa.net> and <twistedsisters@hotmail.com> and he'd love to hear from you.
